A page out of today…
When I was a kid, my mom used to keep repeating to me that everything that happens, every person that we meet, every action that we do, everything has a reason. “There’s a purpose to everything, Karthik”, she used to say. I still remember her telling me that never would I be able to understand everything, all the time. I am 26 years old (well, I am turning 27 in a month) and I still get amazed at how the people around me, their actions, and their consequences affect me. Sometimes, good consequences, sometimes consequences that I don’t like. I’ve always been an optimistic person, always looking at the bright side to everything, looking at how I could take something that affected me in a not-so-good way and turn it into a life lesson. Of late, I feel that part of me is changing. I am slowly turning into a realist, starting to accept things for what they are, starting to look at experiences as mere blips on the radar, sometimes precariously edging on the borderline between realistic and pessimistic. I find myself sitting in my living room thinking way too long about things that I shouldn’t be probably worrying about. I wonder what happened to that little boy from Chennai who first came to this country four years ago, bubbling with optimism, that little boy who thought alchemy was real. He’s turned into this man who is starting to think about worst case scenarios, plan Bs, and what-ifs. I was talking to my best friend the other day, and he told me that he sensed a change in my attitude, a change in my body language, and a change in my views on things. Hoping that he’d say I had matured, I asked him if it was a good thing, and he said he didn’t quite know. More than what he said about my personality, his response to my question scared me more. Come to think of it, I work for a company that I absolutely love, being a part of a team that just continues to amaze me everything (in a good way), living in my own house (yes, I bought a home in San Antonio a couple months back, thank you very much), there’s nothing that should even make me think that I am having a quarter life crisis. I am proud of what I’ve accomplished, and I’m sure my parents are too. But sometimes, I just think that being by myself for such a long time has changed me. Earlier this morning, my mom was talking to me about marriage and for some reason that I can’t remember now, I went ballistic and lashed out. I am not quite sure but at the time, I just felt like my mom was giving into social pressure. Come on, who am I kidding? Most of my friends are either married and/or have kids (note: plural) already. As much as I believe that arranged marriages are OK, I just feel that it’s not for me. I keep trying to tell my mom that I’d like to meet someone myself, and when I do meet that someone, I want to feel that my life would never be the same again. But then there’s also the thing about my family being OK with that person. There’s just a lot of what-ifs. There’s the realist in me coming out again. Today’s just one of those days when everything around you just makes you want to think. It’s just interesting how crazy your day can flip in a matter of a few minutes. There’s this one meme I was reading the other day that read “I do three things often – 1. Overeating 2. Oversleeping. 3. Overthinking”. That so perfectly defines my mood right now. All I need is some bar food and a nice comfy bed. I just hope, when the time is right, the woman I fall in love with, and want to grow old with, feels the same way about me. That’s a big IF and I hope she feels the same way as I do. I also hope my parents are OK with waiting till then. Time to go make some food and feed the tummy. Good night San Antonio!K